The Lingering Affects of Fear?


So, I’ve been doing an “electronic” deep cleaning … I use the same email address from when I first started it in the 1990’s. I am also horrible about going through it. So, when I did finally sit down this morning I found a file folder I saved back in 2000 called “wedding.” It was clips of bouquets, dresses, cakes, etc for a wedding that was being discussed at the time and that I (only 18 at the time, young and stupid) had every assurance would occur. Of course, those of you that know me well know I have never been married. Looking at all of these tiny little broken dreams made me in the course of about 2 seconds fill with pain/fear and within another 2 seconds press the “delete” button actively choosing to release these emotions, as quickly as they arrived.

I know though, that there is no real delete button for life’s fear… fear of pain, hurt, and even death. Don’t we bring that fear with us or does it live just below the surface? Doesn’t it sneak up on us when we least expect it and affect the decisions we make, connections created, the way that we create, as well as resolve, conflict? I’m just beginning to explore all of this, particularly the connection between personal/inter-personal relationships and conflict (my theory is that the way we fight on an inter-personal level is similar to the initiation of conflict on a macro-level.) This is really a new thing for me entirely and who knows if I will explore this much further externally, but I find it interesting anyway. I know I have a personal goal of conquering my fears, which are based on past experiences, pain, hurt, etc… I’ve begun an exercise regime and meditation practice to bring positive thinking into my daily life. It’s so easy here to obsess on unusually small negative occurrences and then wildly connect them through abstract thinking to something in the past. I think that might be human nature in a sense, probably animal behavior related to self-preservation. Whatever it is, I am willing to explore it…

Dear Readers, I’m a “thinker” so contemplating human nature vis-a-vis my own is sure to be an interesting trip. Are you willing to go along with me on this discovery? Your choice, but its sure to be a wild ride. 🙂 Namaste, my friends.

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About larasmartin

I'm 31 years old, originally from Florida. This blog is meant to be uplifting and part of a journey. Won't you join me?
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